


Apocalypse Ow

by numbuh_009



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Gen, character death is funny though, some kailay if you squint, this is total crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 06:19:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5732572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/numbuh_009/pseuds/numbuh_009
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The zombie apocalypse happens. The struggle is real for EXO-K.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Apocalypse Ow

Kai is the first casualty of the zombie apocalypse. Well, technically, he dies fifteen minutes before the apocalypse actually happens.

See, it happens like this: it starts off as a normal day off for EXO-K. After losing a game of rock paper scissors to Sehun (who smugly informs Kai to bring extra cheese doodles before turning back to his cell phone), Kai is relegated the task of getting the members snacks from the vending machine.

Huffing, Kai makes his way downstairs, muttering curses at Sehun all the way. He feeds the coins into the machine and punches in the combination for the cheese doodles. The machine responds with a feeble whir, and the bagged snack moves about a centimeter forward. Kai glares at the bag and slips in more change for a redo. The bag moves forward another centimeter, but still doesn’t fall.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” grumbles Kai under his breath. Grabbing the offending machine with both hands, he shakes it violently, trying to dislodge the stupid bag of cheese doodles. And he dislodges something alright. A loud groaning sound is the only warning Kai gets before the vending machine tips over and crushes him to death. A few seconds later, the bag of cheese doodles pops out and plops onto the floor.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” grumbles Kai’s ghost as he floats above his dead body, staring at his now transparent hands. His first thought is that now he feels oddly flat. His second thought is that now he’ll never be able to tell Lay about the undying (har har) love he has for the older boy. His third thought is that now he can spy on the members and find out all their secrets.

A grin spreads across Kai’s ghostly face, and he makes his way back up to the dorms with his newfound ability to go through ceilings and floors.

-

Across the sea in China, Lay sneezes, pausing to rub his nose before unloading the rest of the groceries from the car.

“Did you buy the whole market?” asks Kris, eyeing the mountains of food and supplies piled up in their living room.

“Several,” replies Lay cheerfully. “I just have this feeling that we will be needing it all really soon. By the way, I hope you don’t mind that I maxed out your credit card.”

-

Sehun rolls his eyes as Suho runs by in a panic for the fourth time that morning. He swears that their leader has been in a constant state of alarm since the apocalypse started a week ago. It isn’t like the zombies can get to their dorms anyways, not with the thick crowd of fangirls outside bearing signs that read “Protect EXO!” and an impressive arsenal of weapons. Sehun has more pressing issues to worry about.

Opening the messenger on his phone, Sehun types a quick message:

It’s been a week, but Kai is still not back with my cheese doodles yet ヽ(ｏ`皿′ｏ)ﾉ) 

He attaches a selca of himself pouting before sending it to Luhan. The reply is almost instantaneous.

From: Luhan ~<3  
He probably couldn’t figure out how to get the bag out of the machine kekeke (◕‿◕✿)

“Hey, have a little respect for the dead!” Kai squawks indignantly when he reads the message over an unsuspecting Sehun’s shoulder.

Sehun is in the middle of chortling over a picture Luhan sent of their manager doing a flying jump kick at a zombie paparazzi when his phone abruptly runs out of batteries and dies. Sehun frowns and grabs his phone charger, plugging it into the wall. It promptly short circuits, effectively electrocuting Sehun to death and taking out the entire block’s electricity, much to Chanyeol’s dismay (about the electricity, not Sehun. He was this close to beating the high score of his video game).

“Oh my god,” breathes Sehun’s ghost when he appears next to Kai.

“I know, I died a week ago and now you’re dead too. You’ll get used to it,” Kai says sympathetically, trying (and failing) not to laugh at the way Sehun’s rainbow hair was standing up on its end in every direction.

Sehun ignores Kai and stares in horror at the lack of bars on his phone. “I have no service here.”

-

Across the sea in China, Tao decapitates the last of the zombie crowd with an expert swing of his wushu stick. He kicks the severed head into the pile of rotting zombies he has amassed. Whipping out his phone, Tao makes hooded eyes at the camera and snaps a selca with the zombie pile in the background. He uploads it as his new Weibo profile picture and adds a new status.

Every day, our adversities pile up, but I will go through it all one at a time and come out triumphant in the end. Nothing in the world is impossible for me!

Immediately after he posts, a notification for a comment pops up.

Luhan: Except getting laid (≧ω≦)

-

“Chanyeol, don’t be stupid,” Baekhyun says for the tenth time that hour. A new record.

“I’m not being stupid.” Chanyeol flashes Baekhyun a winning smile. “I’m being smart and upgrading our weapons supplies.”

“We don’t need upgraded weapons,” Baekhyun insists. “The hoard of fangirls outside will protect us.”

“They are far deadlier than zombies,” says Kai solemnly.

“And twice as rabid,” Sehun chimes in.

“They are far deadlier than zombies.” Baekhyun pauses. “And twice as rabid.”

Kai and Sehun blink at each other. Did Baekhyun just…?

“And those aren’t even weapons!” Baekhyun continues, gesturing towards the items in front of Chanyeol (a fertilizer dispenser with a matching backpack applicator, gasoline, and a lighter).

“It will work,” Chanyeol insists. “I will make the most awesome homemade flamethrower you have ever laid eyes on.”

Baekhyun is sidetracked from launching a ten-step argument on why this is a Bad Idea when he hears D.O. screaming at Suho from the kitchen. “Okay, fine. I’m going to go crush some sedatives into our bandmates’ water. Don’t blow anything up while I’m gone.”

Chanyeol rubs his hands together once Baekhyun leaves and gets straight to work. Not two minutes later, the entire room explodes.

“Your hair looks terrible!” Sehun screams as soon as Chanyeol’s ghost materializes, gratified that someone else has hair worse than him. Kai pokes at Chanyeol’s crispy afro in fascination.

Chanyeol rubs some soot out of his eyes and stares at his two ghostly bandmates and then back down at the fire he has just caused. A grin spreads across his face. “Whoo-whee, that sure backfired!” He cackles and claps his hands gleefully at his own pun.

-

Across the sea in China, Xiumin cheerfully whistles the beginning refrain of MAMA while mowing down line after line of zombies with his brand new Gatling gun. When he runs out of ammunition for it, he picks up his trusty machine gun and finishes off the job. Once the last zombie falls, Xiumin packs up his equipment and brings them back inside the dorm for their daily cleaning.

It’s a good thing he decided to pack his rapid-fire weapons collection instead of shoes for this trip. Totally worth having to wear socks with slippers at the airport.

-

Baekhyun is not the same after Chanyeol’s death. Every morning after he wakes up, styles his hair, and applies eyeliner liberally, Baekhyun shrugs on one of Chanyeol’s long, circa MAMA era coats. Armed with an arsenal of weapons (including a flamethrower successfully fashioned from a fertilizer dispenser with a matching backpack applicator, gasoline, and a lighter), he then goes out and hunts down zombies with a vengeance, not returning to the dorm until nightfall.

“He does realize that it was Chanyeol’s stupidity that got him killed, not zombies right?” mutters Sehun to Kai as they watch Baekhyun decapitate a zombie with a trash can lid.

“Kick his ass, baby!” hoots Chanyeol as Baekhyun drives a chopstick through a zombie’s eye socket. “I got yo’ flower!”

“What nonsense is he spouting now?” Kai mutters back to Sehun. “Do you reckon that explosion took a few of his brain cells with it?”

“Guys, guys,” Chanyeol calls excitedly to them, flapping his arm in Baekhyun’s general direction. “Isn’t it cute how my coat practically reaches Baekhyun’s knees?”

“I’d say more than a few. Let’s hope his stupidity isn’t contagious,” Sehun drones, turning his attention to the setting sun. If he looks at it at the right angle in conjunction to that gigantic elongated cloud, it looks like an enormous penis. Sehun snickers to himself.

Another successful day of zombie slaying done, Baekhyun leaves behind a bloody wake as he makes his way back to the dorm. Suho and D.O. have already gone to bed by the time he returns, so Baekhyun draws himself a warm bath as quietly as possible. Peeling off his dirtied clothes, Baekhyun sinks into the water with a contented sigh. There is something poking his back though. Not in the mood to deal with it, Baekhyun gives it an irritated yank. Bad move.

There is a snapping sound, and when Baekhyun looks up in slow motion, he sees the entire showerhead detaching from the wall and hurtling down towards him.

“Mother—” he curses, and the showerhead conks him on the noggin, effectively knocking him out. He falls forward into the water with a gentle splash and does not reemerge.

“—fucker,” Baekhyun finishes with a cough as he reappears dripping wet next to Chanyeol a few minutes later. Delighted with the newest development, Chanyeol thumps him on the back to help him hack up the rest of the water.

“Why are you naked?” shrieks Kai, hiding his face in his hands. His poor virgin eyes.

“Because I was taking a bath,” Baekhyun snaps, flipping his damp hair out of his eyes.

Sehun chuckles when he notices that Baekhyun’s skin has taken on a blue-ish tinge from his time underwater. “Got a case of blue balls, hyung?” he jokes. He immediately regrets the comment because Baekhyun glares at him, and there is nothing scarier than an angry Baekhyun with eyeliner running down his face.

-

Across the sea in China, Luhan cuts down his 300th zombie since the beginning of his rampage after hearing the news about Sehun. He lowers his sword and dramatically gazes off into the sunset with a faraway look in his eyes.

“Sehun-ah,” he whispers. “Do you see it? Isn’t it beautiful?”

As though in reply, the gentle wind brushes Luhan’s cheek and gathers in his hair. He closes his eyes and allows a single tear to escape from them.

“No one shall see these tears,” he murmurs.

“But ge,” Chen calls from behind the video camera with feigned innocence. “If you’re going to release this as a documentary of your life, won’t everyone see those tears?”

Luhan frowns at the interruption and wipes away the excess eye drops. The kid talks too much. He knew he should have asked Xiumin to help with the filming instead.

-

D.O. and Suho set off on their bi-weekly scavenging trip for supplies, both blissfully unaware of their dead, gossiping bandmates a few feet behind.

“I think maybe the reason all of us are ghosts is because all of us need to be dead for us to move on,” Chanyeol is theorizing with excited waves of his hands.

“We are one,” Kai agrees solemnly with a thumbs up.

“But it’s already been a few weeks since I died, and D.O. and Suho seem to be surviving fine,” complains Baekhyun as D.O. successfully locates several useful items. “At this rate, we will be stuck like this for a really long time!”

“Stuck with no service,” Sehun sighs pathetically. “Or at least until my two-year phone contract expires. I knew I should’ve gone with AT&T.”

D.O. is bending over to pick up a can of Spam when he feels a sharp pain on his hand. It takes only a second for him to realize that it is a bee sting. It takes another for him to remember that he is deathly allergic to bees.

He reacts with efficiency. After removing the stinger from his hand, D.O. throws his backpack down and rifles through it for the EpiPen that he keeps on him at all times. A few minutes of desperately searching the pocket he knows he had put it in yields him nothing but a brand new tube of super glue. D.O. is momentarily stunned at this discovery until he remembers that Suho had been looking for super glue last night. He dashes over to where Suho is sifting through the debris.

“EpiPen,” D.O. wheezes, trying to ignore the alarming spread of hives up his arm. “Where did you put my EpiPen?”

“EpiPen?” Suho looks thoroughly baffled until he catches sight of the super glue tube in D.O.’s hand. “Ooh, you mean the super glue tube in your backpack? I tried using it last night, but I think it was expired or something because it was all liquid, so I threw it away and got you a new one.”

“You what?” D.O. croaks.

“But I don’t think this is the time to be worrying about super glue, D.O.” Suho looks at D.O. with concern. “I mean, your face…are you okay?”

D.O. gurgles and dies.

“Nice face!” howls Kai when D.O.’s ghost comes into being, his face swollen and red.

“Most unattractive death yet,” Sehun says with no small amount of satisfaction.

-

Across the sea in China, Chen finishes the last stitch and ties off the thread with a neat knot.

“Thanks, ge,” Tao says, appraising his newly stitched up cut. He rotates his arm a couple of times. “You’re really good at this.”

“I used to sew a lot back home,” Chen explains.

Tao’s eyes light up. “Did you make your own clothes?” he asks excitedly.

Chen snorts. “Nah,” he says offhandedly. “I made voodoo dolls of all the people I hated.”

“Voodoo doll?” Tao repeats the unfamiliar phrase slowly.

“That’s also why I’m so good with needles.” Chen sniggers and prances out of the room, leaving behind a very confused Tao. 

-

Suho paces around the living room, teeth worrying his bottom lip. It has been nearly two weeks since D.O.’s death, and Suho has spent that time holed up in the dorm, but supplies are running low, and worse, so is morale.

“What’s he doing now?” asks Sehun without looking up from his cell phone, waving Kai away irritably when the latter tries to backseat play his game of Tetris.

“Pacing,” sighs Baekhyun, chin in his hand. “He’s probably going to start crying again soon. Ah, there it is.”

“You guys,” Suho whispers, tears gathering in his eyes. “I have failed you as a leader.”

“Aww, no you didn’t!” Chanyeol exclaims encouragingly, making motions as though to pat Suho’s back.

“Sure failed me,” D.O. grumbles. He has been in a very put off mood ever since Kai joked that his face was swollen and red enough to do a CF for Gushers.

“And now I’m the only one left!” Suho wails, burying his face in his hands. “I can’t do this by myself!”

“Oh goodness, this again.” Baekhyun crinkles up his nose as he concentrates all his newfound ghostly powers on the hidden picture frame on the table next to Suho. It gives a wiggle and then falls onto the floor next to him.

Suho gives a start at the sudden noise and picks up the fallen picture frame gingerly. It is a photo of all of EXO decked out in their sparkly stage outfits. Something clicks in Suho’s brain.

“EXO-M,” Suho says out loud. He stands up, hope blooming for the first time since the start of this blasted apocalypse. “I can go to China to look for EXO-M!” Energy renewed, Suho makes his way outside to gather supplies for the trip…

…and is promptly run over by a giant, yellow road roller driven way above speed limits by six bleach-blonde people in desperate need of root touch-ups.

“HA! You’re more squished than I am!” says Kai triumphantly when Suho’s considerably confused and considerably flat ghost appears.

“You guys?” Suho whispers in disbelief as he takes in the sight of his five dead bandmates. Tears fill his eyes. “You guys! I’ve missed you all so much!”

“Can we move on now?” asks Sehun impatiently. “We’re all dead.”

“Not M, though,” D.O. points out helpfully. “I think maybe they need to die too if we are to move on.”

“No problem,” says Chanyeol, happily slinging an arm over Baekhyun’s shoulders. “Look at how fast we all died. M probably isn’t faring much better. It’s only a matter of time before they all end up dead too.”

-

Across the sea in China, Kris faces his last opponent for the day. It’s a fangirl, judging by the camera slung across her neck, a sign for a Kris fanclub, the distinctive high-pitched sound being emitted, and the foam coming out of her mouth…oh wait, no, not foam. Half-chewed brain bits. Zombie fangirl then.

Kris whips off his Ray-Bans and tucks them carefully into his Burberry coat. The zombie lets out another noise that sounds awfully like a squeal of “oppa!” and advances on him with frightening speed. Kris raises a cast iron skillet (it’s the only weapon they would trust him with, okay? Don’t judge) and knocks the zombie’s head clean off with one swing, careful not to get any blood or brain bits on his new loafers.

“Maybe next time,” he deadpans. He whips his aviators back on and struts down the path back to the dorm. They shall all live another day.

“Stop trying to act cool,” Lay calls through the window.

**Author's Note:**

> Written a gazillion years ago and recently unearthed from my files.


End file.
